He laughed at me —
about how the smells could float
and lodge in my nostril
shot as acid
I sent him away
but the smells still linger
this bittersweet perfume
The less I smell
is like the less I eat
the less I feel my body
the less it burns like hot acid
the less it feels
like flesh
tearing
away from bone
I do not want my body —
to feel my insides work,
for the numbness is divine
If I could wall myself up
I would — no noise
no hideous condescending laughter
Numbness would take over
hollowing out my insides
scraping out my nerves
so I cannot feel
what is not there —
like the jack-o-lantern carved out
on the eve of Hallows’
Had my bowels been mine
had my dick not been a plaything
had my body not been a toy
and actually mine
I would love it
love my body whole
and the Numbness would leave me
and I would fill my body
to soothe my soul
and heal the scars
of this empty shell
